31 años de pantalones fachosos

Llevo un par de días emocionada porque a mis 31 años acabo de adquirir los primeros vaqueros que se ajustan a mi peculiar figura. Digo “peculiar” según los locos cánones de belleza de la sociedad y la industria textil. No cunda el pánico por esta palabra, que no tengo nada en contra de mi cuerpo. Es cierto que puntualmente le someto a estrictas dietas de chupitos y mi higiene postural parece sacada de un libro de torturas medievales, pero no es nada personal, es sólo que soy un completo desastre. A mi cuerpo le tengo cierto respeto y aprecio, pero las cosas como son:

De cintura para arriba y de culo para abajo, mi cuerpo es el de una mujer de su edad, complexión delgada y algo enclenque. Pero entre medias nos encontramos con las caderas heredadas de mi madre y preparadas para un parto múltiple … de jabalíes. Podría ser peor, podría acompañarlo de un culo carpeta, pero no. Éste tiene un volumen que se ajusta a mis hechuras.

Por este motivo, por muy elásticos o ajustados que compre los vaqueros, la disonancia corporal anteriormente comentada hace que los pantalones vaqueros me queden siempre fachosos por una razón bien simple: lo que me ajusta de cadera me hace holgura en las piernas y lo que me ajusta de piernas no me cierra a la cadera. Simple matemática. Si sumamos que este es un tipo de tela que da de sí con el uso, los resultados eran bastante cómicos. Fachosidad pura.

Fachosos. Muncho Murcia

Llegados a este punto debería aclarar, si no lo habéis adivinado por su contexto, que fachoso es una de esas palabras que aprendí de mi madre y por tanto nunca sé a ciencia cierta si estoy usando bien o no, porque ella es murciana profunda. Y con los murcianos nunca se sabe. Pero resulta que sí la estaba usando bien: mala facha. En esta entrada he adaptado un poco el término para expresar “holgura”.

Total. Las maneras de enfrentar este tema eran básicamente dos, que ordenaré por ocurrencia (de mayor a menor):

  1. Ir siempre fachosa, puesto que me la sopla sobremanera.
  2. Lavar los vaqueros con agua bien caliente para ajustarlos un poco, solución que dura un día.

Llegó la cintura alta

Si me conocéis, sabréis que tengo nulo sentido de la moda. Me gusta la ropa pero me la soplan bastante las tendencias y no me pidáis que combine prendas y colores. Si a veces voy vestida de manera aceptable es una cuestión de pura probabilidad. Tengo mucha ropa y alguna combinación tiene que funcionar estadísticamente.

Así que me he sorprendido al recibir mis nuevos pantalones de cintura (y digo “recibir” porque como buena persona ajena a la moda no compro en tiendas físicas más de lo estrictamente necesario) y descubrir que son una solución algo más óptima a este superficial e insustancial problema del primer mundo que me ha llevado 31 años. Pantalones de cintura alta, ALTA. Nunca me había planteado que esta fuera una solución para la dualidad de mi figura, tal vez porque no se habían vuelto a llevar desde los 90, cuando yo solo usaba chandal y leotardos de punto y, desde luego, no tenía estas caderas latinas que mi madre me ha dado. El caso es que llegan hasta la cintura, tapándote el ombligo, y no pueden volver el camino andado porque se atascan en las caderas, mucho más anchas.

Esta semana compré online mis primeros pantalones de este tipo, sin saber bien qué estaba comprando. Los compré solo porque me quema el dinero en las manos y soy una víctima del consumismo. Llevo un día con ellos y aunque me aprietan una poca la tripa, es un sacrificio que estoy dispuesta a aceptar (sobre todo porque uso jerseys anchos y puedo desabrochármelos siempre que sea necesario). En un solo uso, ya le he sacado todas estas ventajas:

  1. Siento la tripa recogida, lo que suele ser más agradable que sentirla colgandera sobre la cinturilla
  2. No tengo que usar cinturón (menos mal, porque solo tengo uno).
  3. Y, más importante: cuando me quiero rascar el culo sé exactamente dónde apuntar porque todo está en su sitio.

Cuestiones colaterales: ‘pero si estás muuuuuy bieeeen’

Ahora voy a ponerme un pelín seria, dentro de lo que mi sarcasmo me permite.

Me ha costado plantear esta entrada porque cuando comentas algo así en público, la gente se ve obligada a recalcar “ que estás muuuuuy bien, ¡no te pasa nada!” o incluso que “ te preocupas demasiado”. ¡ Claro que no me pasa nada, a nadie le ha matado un poco de caderas! Y no me preocupa más que otros temas como la cantidad de veces y la franja horaria en la que cagan mis compañeros de trabajo, porqué mi perra no me deja que le saque del culo las ramitas que se le quedan atascadas cuando caga (joder, sí que hablo mucho de mierda) o porqué últimamente en los tráilers de cine te destripan toda película. Quien me conoce sabe mi gusto por puntualizar, analizar, ironizar y/o quejarme de temas triviales. Es muy entretenido, simple y llanamente.

No hace falta que venga yo a deciros que hay demasiada sensibilidad y cosificación sobre el cuerpo de la mujer. Y no solo en los medios, el cine, la publicidad, las tertulias de bar… También en los comentarios más triviales entre amigos/as. Que una mujer hable de su cuerpo en un tono neutral o humorístico, no debería encender las alarmas sobre si nos sentimos inseguras, insatisfechas u horrorizadas, igual que no las dispara cuando es un hombre el que habla de su cuerpo. Tal vez es que no le damos la importancia que la sociedad quiere darle. Nos vemos obligados a reforzar la autoestima del prójimo al menor comentario no-positivo, cuando creo que bastaría con tratar el tema con educación: yo no voy a hablar de un cuerpo/casa/relación ajenas si no me piden opinión directamente, pero desde luego estoy en mi derecho de hablar de mi cuerpo sin que un tercero tenga que poner el acento más allá, por muy buena intención que tenga.

Así que me despido deseándoos a todos que encontréis el pantalón que os deje rascaros el culo sin esfuerzo. YO, YA SOY FELIZ.

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